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The Chinese newspaper man came back to the motel. He  wants  to sell me some Stem Kline  vitamins. For one hour I wait patiently for his  video presentation to finish. Then he shows me a picture of  him before and after, taking the medicine. ‘But you look younger in the ‘before’ photo’,’ I said. I was only being honest.

He had just spent over a thousand US dollars on the products.I prodded him more. He wasn’t making much residual income on the pyramid scheme and he’s just wasted an hour of my time. But I have plenty of it  to spare so i’m really not complaining. ‘Those cells with trees,’ says Mr. Stem Kline ‘are your protection against rogue bugs.’

The price alone put me off the product.If this medicine was that good, then why were so many people dying? ‘Because they can’t afford the medicine.’

The resident rat bites at my toenail. We have  a good relationship going on and I tell Mr. Stern Kline I’ll get back to him soon. I know he’ll turn up announced. That’s what I like about this guy, he’s a real trier.

I put Blackie on a leash. He was obedient as I locked the chain around his neck.He’s a free spirited dog. Muck was behind the reception desk encouraging me. He was just about to feed the dogs and I didn’t want Blackie missing out. Then as I walked away, Blackie let it loose.He was trying to escape.And the other dogs came running from under the truck in the car park to see what the commotion was about. I need my space and walking with a dog in a Muslim town isn’t going to do both of us any favours. Also I’ve been  very concerned that one day a car will actually run Blackie over. Not on my charge.

My shirts are getting really tatty. At the Mall where the ATM ripped me off, I grab a few designer ones that were on sale and that actually fit me. And I have a few political discourses with the staff. I’m an enlightening guy where ever I go.Next it’s the elevators. I’m going up and down and giving a running commentary to the Malays about how another phobia has nearly bitten the dust.

At my local, I run into a crazy Malay who is drooling and picking up bits of colorful rubbish like a certain bird does. A few days I saw him and ran the opposite direction.It’s this same cafe that I ran into another loony who wanted me to enroll him into an administration course in Australia. I said I’d get his details next time we met. My man is drooling heavy and roaming around and picks up my orange peels I threw on the ground.  Littering is one of the last luxuries in this part of Asia. I  see another derelict,he’s Indian and clears tables for a cheap meal. Mr. Drooler hands him one Ringgit. Certainly too small for  a drug deal but enough to buy cheap glue.

I clean out my ears with cotton buds and peel an orange and throw the peel on the ground again. I usually cut my nails in the same working class cafes. I’ve really got class.

Mr. Drooler  collects my butts  and peels off the floor. and sits down at the opposite table with an Indian who tells me to watch the television. Sexy women are wrestling and I thank him for the tip. Mr.Drooler becomes animated. He’s probably talking about a new brand of glue he’s discovered.  His lighter has fallen out of his cluttered  pocket that’s full of cigarette butts, packets of cigarettes and other collectables. I tell him his lighter is on the chair. “You are sitting on it.’ He  stands up and eventually finds it.

When he  comes up to my table I put half of an  orange in his mouth. He looks like he’s lacking in vitamin C and eats it willingly while he’s trying to put all his cigarettes, a box of matches, and other junk into his pockets.

His Indian friend wants to take him to another cafe.  But his old motorbike won’t start until about ten kicks. Before they  disappear, I top him up Mr. Drooler with some duty free cigarettes.He keeps on thanking me, as the bike disappears across the bridge and into a jungle of Malay motorbike gangs that rule the roads after midnight.

The Malay staff is trying to talk to me..  He has a rat tail and looks really dodgy and too thin. He can’t speak English and I can’t speak Malay. He sees the herbal bottle of sleeping pills I have on the table.  And soon he’s speaking about the rate of speed.He’s trying to overcharge me. Then  an undercover cop arrives, and the Malay staff stops talking about speed and moves tables.

His wife is sitting at another table and the place is dead. Across the road,it’s very busy. ‘Have big tits.’  Now you got my attention. He’s talking about two of the female staff . Tits  and top forty music sell, I’d have to agree.

I’ve listened to most of the Koran that’s been playing on the PA system and I’ve drank  too much milky tea. And the place is dead because of weirdos like me. I begrudgingly admit that as I worry about the undercover copper at the table opposite me might start up a conversation. Malaysia is in a grip of a speed endemic,if you haven’t noticed.

I pass the mosque and whistle. Blackie and company greet me before I reach the motel and we have a bit of a wrestle together. I knew Blackie wouldn’t die being on a leash, but I’m never sure when we cross a busy road.

Blackie usually  just sits in the middle of a busy thoroughfare at the Food Hall. He’s tripped over a few people already who didn’t see him lying on the ground, waiting for some charitable scraps. He just won’t move and prefers customers to walk around him. Tonight I rewarded him with some chicken bones. The bitch which recently had  his puppies waited  patiently until Blackie finished the lot.

It’s the dog hierarchy and I’m not going to interfere.

Blackie waits for me outside 7-11. A young group of Malays are all getting giggly, and the two young female staff are getting brave and waving at him. Until I open the door and invite him inside. One night he actually walked behind the counter and scared the shit out of Mohammed, who has since left. I put on a show outside and wrestle and karate kick Blackie while another Malay family huddle in fear. ‘It’s good to go now,’ I tell them, as I slip away into the night with a  Malay Dingo.

It’s time to sleep. I open my window and Blackie is letting out little whimpers. Soon he’ll be asleep too.

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